The Future Scares Me
So I know we're only in year ten and our lives have barely begun and blahblahblah, don't tell me that I'm too young to stress. See the thing is, I am so used to being in carefree grades. Like from K-10, it matters on a yearly basis and sure you need all those years of learning to get you somewhere but while you're living it, it doesn't seem that important so you have time to relax, make mistakes and not have everything significantly affect your future. To me, year ten is the last year I'll be able to do any of that. Maybe not, seeing as we have School Certificate.
I guess I never realised how close we all were to living our own lives. It wasn't until subject selection evening that made me think "hey, we have two years left then we're out on our own". That thought scares me. A lot. I mean, I know we have all experienced some form of hatred towards our education and the monotony of it all. However, thinking about what the end of all this might mean is a pretty big deal. Sure, right now it's pretty irritating having to follow so many rules and do as we're told and wouldn't it be great to be an adult and have the freedom of making our own choices? I guess what I'm saying is that I like having a steady routine to follow. It made everything so bearable and I liked that I knew what I was doing, where my life was heading and had quite a lot of control over what I did and what happened in my life and the fact that there is always someone to help me plan my next move (the rare times I had to make a significant change in my life I mean). Pretty much everything had some degree of planning. Everything up to now. Now when we have to make our own decisions about which subjects to choose. And it isn't like year 8 where you can just pick the fun subjects, enjoy them and drop it later, never to be used again. These subjects matter and they could determine your future. This is what's going on through my head. Scary huh?
For many people, the concept of living on your own and having your own blooming career is a good one. I agree to some extent. I personally cannot wait until I have my own life and whatnot. Being either a forensic scientist or a lawyer, owning my own firm with avi ;D But that's only if my life goes as planned. When I think about this possibility, I'm excited. But when i think of the possibility that that isn't how my life will turn out; let's not go there. I guess I'm afraid of the unknown. Not knowing what's going to happen or where I'll be or who will be there when I do whatever I do. See, that sentence, right there. So much uncertainty. I don't like it. I like having control I guess. One of my many annoying traits :P
I know no other life than the one I have now. Nor can I imagine one. I don't know how to live without routine or continuous cycles. Repetitive thought it may be, I don't know how to live my life any other way. So the thought that the time for all this to end isn't too far away and four numbers and two ticks are going to influence what my life might be is daunting. Blame it on my
few insecurities and my need to control everything =/