Theoretical Chaos
Sunday, May 30, 2010


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7:26 PM ; smile'

Saturday, May 29, 2010


No. Don't tell me everything's going to be okay. Don't say the words they say in movies. Yeah, I've wanted to live a fairytale life but how do I know the words you say now you actually mean? They're other words spoken by other people with different meanings. So I don't want to hear forever, never or always. I don't want to hear the same thing they say. The lines that are so common and tossed around so casually. Why don't you try coming up with something on your own rather than relying on these fantasies to come up with things for you? These cliches don't mean anything anymore. I'm sick of hearing them and quite frankly, they don't even mean anything in real life. What do I want to hear? I want to hear what YOU think and feel. Not what some scriptwriter put on paper.

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5:56 PM ; smile'


You know what really bothers me? When people tack on 'no offense' to things that are CLEARLY offensive. Like "Sorry guys, but I'm going to hang out with these people cause you're kinda boring... no offense" HOW is that meant to make it any better? Well I guess they're just trying to make something that should be offensive sound less offensive.. good luck to them. I don't mind that that much actually.
But what annoys me even MORE is when people who mention black people and say "no offense" somewhere in the sentence. Like they'd be talking about something that happened and they'd be like "oh and this - no offense - black person was like.." I guess they're trying to NOT be racist but if you think about it, it's like being called black SHOULD be offensive. It isn't. I mean society addresses white people casually by their colour so why does it suddenly become offensive to describe black people by their colour? Tacking on "no offense" kinda makes the statement more offensive than it should be because it suggests that giving somone that title or description is derogatory and that precautions should be taken for them to not get offended. But honestly, it's the opposite. Why do they need to excuse or ensure that the person they are refering to as black isn't offended when the word black itself shouldn't be offensive to begin with? I don't think I explained myself well so I probably sound like a racist jerk right now :P If i do.. my bad :S
Oh and I hate when people stereotype. Especialy gender stereotypes. There is one particular person that is VERY stereotypical. eg "Why don't you like pink? You're a girl. YOu should like pink... Why are you playing games like that? Only guys play those kind of games?...How come you don't want to try out for netball? Isn't taht a girls sport? basketball is for boys" No joke. Someone said all of that to me before. Oh and that SAME person said to a guy "Why do you like purple? Isn't that kind of a girl's colour? I mean it gets categorised as a girly colour. Like pink and stuff. You should be liking blue!" It annoys me. Since when did gender ever determine what your interests should be? Ok I get it, there are some things that are STRICTLY for guys and girls (like public toilet entrances ;P) But things ilke your favourite colour should not be influence by your gender or the hormones that are raging through your body. SEriously, what started the whole "boys llike blue, girls like pink" I guess I can excuse the sporting stereotypes because anatomically, guys have more muscle mass than girls GENERALLY. But with colour its just like.. wth why can't I like whatever colour I want? GO AWAY YOU !

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4:28 PM ; smile'

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I was looking through some old files and I came across some interesting conversations with Mariel. Mariel, if you read this, ask me about it cause there are things I feel like laughing about/commenting on :P But basically, maimai, my dearest, Thanks for everything :) You probably have no idea what I'm on about right now cause it was that long ago. But wow, im so glad that you and I are close :)
Your reaction(s) never fail to crack me up and you're so adorable and sweet and patient and yeah... just rereading these things made me remember how much you mean to me. Not that I forgot but you know, its an everyday kinda thing that I becomes a subconscious thought. Those conversations brought it to the foreground of my mind and I thought I should take the time to thank you for every little thing you've done for me. You are such an awesome and dedicated friend and I hope that never changes :)

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4:43 PM ; smile'

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly"
It's true. Forget everything I said or didn't say.
Forget all the things I should have done but didn't do
and maybe, just maybe,
we can go back to how we used to be.

Hey, wait up, why are you leaving so soon?
You know, I've been waiting for you.
For a long time now.
Someone who could make me smile like you do.
Be as patient as you are.
Be everything I wanted all at the same time.
So I just wanted to know, can you stay a bit longer?
Just until we run out of words, reasons and laughs.
After that, I promise I'll let go if I have to.
But to be honest, I don't want to let go anytime soon.


"On the way down, I saw you and you saved me from myself. And I won't forget the way you loved me"

I don't want to .

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8:34 PM ; smile'

Sunday, May 23, 2010

back and forth if my heart was a compass you'd be north. Risk it all cause
I'll catch you if you fall wherever you go, if my heart was a house you'd be
home


_________

Man, I feel like I'm going around in circles. Happy life, stressed life, happy, stress, happy stress. Stupid school and exams and english assignment due friday which I haven't started -_-

On a less depressing note, yesterday was George and avi's birthday party !! :D Twas awesome. Can't be bothered going into detail but at one point, we busted his speakers or smth so instead of having a dance circle, Amy, Mariel, Lisa and I were singing instead... How we started singing randomly, I have no idea O_O I think we annoyed the people sitting around the heater :P My bad....

Oh and Daniel was so proud of himself for starting the floor sesh, that resulted in Truth or Dare.. fun times (H), and the sitting on the rug under the sky... sesh? O_o We were all so squished but it was ok cause everyone was raelly cold. Shared body heat :L I don't remember the order of events but I remember people wrapping troy in duct tape, frisbee going on the roof, giant frisbees flying around and being used as a hula hoop, me finally getting my scarlet woman photo (SORRY NICK D:), rock hard icecream cake, Mariel in a skirt :O and people kissing Jimmy Zhu on the cheek :D

wow... here's to a really vague blog :P Kinda like Pernickety but worse... Also, apologies to Mariel and Pernickety, for stealing your partaying time and to georgie for using his room as a makeup studio and disrupting your party. Thanks for that though guys :) Really appreciate it ^^

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3:49 PM ; smile'

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I love how after the exam period, all the blogs I read start off with "We're freeeeeeee!" or something. you know what's funnier than that? WE'RE NOT ! We have that stupid English assignment to do ==" I haven't started, lost my notification and only JUST reset my moodle password.
Speaking of moodle, how many people got letters sent home for not registering? And out of that number, how many of your mums went into the school to ask about it? Cause mine did :S She picked me up from school and started walking in and it was like:
Me: um.. hi.
Mum: I want to see your teacher.
Me: err... why?
Mum: I got this in the mail about your homework -holds up official looking letter-
Me: reads the first line "...has failed to something something" at this point im thinking CRAP what hw havent I done? D: but its just freaking moodle.
Mum: I thought you were responsible but you're always chatting on the internet, maybe ill tell your teacher about that too.
Me: takes letter and walks ahead to the english staffroom to tell Miss Young that I WENT TO MR CRAIGS OFFICE THREE TIMES! he closed the door in my face :( (Literally)
I swear my mum was ready to argue her point. I think she thought it was soemthing like... REALLY important (cause moodle isnt..) and yeah. She was all "you didn't do anything then explain ! If you wont I will" etcetc. Not a pleasant experience =="

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7:35 PM ; smile'

Saturday, May 15, 2010

So I was at Rashays with my mum and sister today and they have tvs that show music videos 24/7 and I noticed something. A LOT of them are female singers trying to look hot. Don't get me wrong, when I say trying they succeed I guess =/ But is that what music has come to? Girls and women selling their music with funky, out there clothes... or absence of. Rubbing their bodies against the floor, poles and well.. other bodies? I think it's demeaning. I mean it makes a great film clip and these people are talented performers/dancers/singers. But i remember back when I was little and film clips weren't people singing their song and dancing to it. A lot of the times it was the person singing to an actual story that matched the song. It had meaning. What happened to that?
I mean we have teenagers wearing barely anything, prancing around the stage dancing like a stripper. And come on, do we REALLY know what these songs mean? I mean sure they might have good rhythm, are catchy or in some other way appealing (I personally don't like them) but I just don't like how nearly every video clip I saw today involved dirty dancing. KEEP IT G RATED PLEASE ! And there are a lot of film clips taht are full of whacky make up and dance poses. Like Lady GaGa kinda stuff :/
There's no more originality in music videos its all LETS SING AND MAKE GOOD CHOREOGRAPHY! *sellsellsell* Although I have to admit, the choreography ins ome videos is pretty good. Just not the dirty one. That's just... no.

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6:10 PM ; smile'

Friday, May 14, 2010

LAST DAY OF EXAMS BABY!!!

It feels good but weird to not be stressing in the afternoon. I mean, with the pressure of succeeding and having to study and all that stuff, It's good to be free :) Well, I stuffed up my extended response for geography. Like it said to write three opinions of different groups but I totally forgot to link it back to the issue I mentioned.. go me 8-)
Ag, was alright. But the back of my left hand hurts. I have a tendency to bite people when I'm stressed and I had no one to bite so I bit my hand.. O_O Its red and painful D: I was in such a bad mood at lunch. So close to giving up on studying. Well I pretty much did and I'm sorry to those of you who had to put up with my stressing and anger. Oh and before I forget

Omgsh I am SO sorry Michael Dinh and Thai!!



I completely forgot you told me that in confidence Thai ! SORRY ! SORRY SORRY ! I'll make it up to both of you... somehow :S I feel so bad D:

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4:38 PM ; smile'

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Science exam first period mean cramtime all morning. I'm such a bad student. I full studied hydrocarbons and it wasn't even in the test. Nor was it mentioned in the notification which I didn't read. But it wasn't as hard as I thought. I think I passed well enough. I've noticed somethign about science exams; the notifications make you overstudy. Seriously most of the stuff on the notification wasn't even in the test ==" Ah well, I didn't learn a lot of it anyway. Well I did but not well :S
Commerce was alright. I managed to finish pretty early and I knew the answers but I don't think I knew them well enough. Well, not well enough to get all three marks. I was very brief about them :/ Ah well. We'll see how it goes I guess but in terms of exams, it was pretty good. In terms of everything else (ie getting maths results back) lets not talk about that ^^"
I can't wait till this week is over. It's been so stressful and gah im so not bothered. But then again, I probably brought this stress on myself, what with my ianbility to study and stuff like I should be :P I WILL cope :D Ok, Ag and history tomorrow... damn. Im gna fail HSIE but Ag, I have sufficient notes. I could do well if I study enough. Which I sorta have. I just need to make sure I revise again tonight and NOT get distracted by HIMYM and I should be good (Y)

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4:40 PM ; smile'

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

English Exam. Yay... I used to be good at english I dont know what changed but im not anymore :S But the exam wasn't too bad and my time management was better than usual. Usually I just stop writing for no apparent reason and end up looking around the room for ten minutes. This time, I did it for 20. But only after I saw that I had an hour left to finish my story that I had already half written. My hand was tired ok?
I think a lot of people chose the "all that was left was silver" stimulus and, from what I've heard, a lot of people used their stimulus as a conclusion rather than an introduction. My story is so tragic. I swear, if a guys life panned out the way my guy did, they would one hell of a messed up life.
I chose the "finishing second gives you silver" thingy. Cause my other silver story was sorta based on that. But basically the guy gets hit by a car after being dumped by his girlfriend who he was going to propose to that day. Yep.. pretty dodgy. You know the story that was at the beginning? I really liked it. It was sad. But I liked the twist at the end and whatever.
Commerce and Science tomorrow. I have NOT studied commerce at all. I am probably going to fail. CRAM TIME ! Science, I have studied a little. But you know im relying on natural talent to get me through this one (H) lol. As if. Science is getting more and more confusing. Today on the bus, Kim was telling me about how maths in year 11 is a lot harder than maths in year 10. I ALREADY SUCK AT MATHS ! Goodbye mathematical genius.. like i had that to begin with. B2 boy ! go figure. Anywho, time for more cramming. Good lulck for tomorrow guys !

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9:35 PM ; smile'

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So first day of half yearlies. I don't count yesterdday as the beginning cause non calculator didn't seem very official. I got 20/20 for it. Yay ! :D I usually suck at maths. Like really bad. So I'm happy and pleasantly surprised :P
How did everyone find Maths and Major? Maths was kinda... lame. Like some of the one mark questions required way too much working out for it to be worth just one mark ==" that is dodgy. Art was... well I'm glad I crammed. If I didn't I would not have been able to answer the last question so thankyou koshila for teaching me :) We had mahfouz for the art exam and he left the room for a minute and everyone was freaking out. With good reason. HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW HOW THE PAINTING REPRESENTS AUSTRALIAN CULTURE?! I honestly don't think the artist thought that deeply about what they were going to. Just once, I'd like to hear a teacher or a really good student analyse my landscape artwork from last year and see what they come up with :P Cause honestly, most of it was an accident...
Man, we had a plan to write "This test is dope" at the end of art but I dont think anyone but me and lisa did it :S Danica and Annie didn't have time cause mahfouz was all PENS DOWN !!! Scary man he is.... ok. plan for tonight: STUDY! NO HIMYM... maybe just one episode... 8-) ok ok ok science cramming session yayay ! oh that shouls be fun.

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4:31 PM ; smile'





4:22 PM ; smile'

Monday, May 10, 2010

The person that I haven't talked to in ages.
Ages being months and months.

I think O_o Feels like that long anyway.

Last time we talked was a pretty messed

up phone conversation :P It was weird.

Fun but weird O_O anyway, I just

wanted to say, can we talk again?

I miss it =/

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5:23 PM ; smile'

Saturday, May 8, 2010


I miss the freedom of being a kid. Back when it was acceptable to cry for no particular reason, when yo could run into your parents room in the middle of the night after a bad dream (like last time I was so freaked out D:) and when teachers paid so much attention to you and gave you the time to catch up not "Independent learning !!" I was thinking about it earlier today and being a kid was so damn simple. I miss it :/ You hardly even had to think for yourself. That's such a negative thing to say but as if we haven't all thought at one point in our lives 'I can't take this anymore, I want out" or something along the lines of that...
See, one of the things that I loved about being young, was that practically everything you did was acceptable and was brushed off as "oh she's just young, she'll learn in time" What if I don't want to learn?! What if I just want to stay a kid and have all my decisions made for me. What I wear, what I eat, what I do, where I am. Yeah, it's great that I can pick it out all now, but sometimes, that simple freedom builds up to too much stress. That sounds so dramatic O_O but you know, before, we didn't need to think about what the food we ate was bad for us, that was our parents job, as long as it tasted good, we'd go for it. We didn't need to think if what we were wearing would impress 'that person', as long as it wasn't too ridiculous, we were fine. And as long as what we were doing and where we were wasn't excruciatingly boring, we'd sit still when told to and find something to occupy ourselves with.
It was so easy to be happy as a kid. It took very little to amuse me. Still does but when I was a kid, I wouldn't get the weird looks :P Now, I'm not saying I'm depressed, quite the opposite actually. I'm very happy with my life and why shouldnt I be? I'm just saying, Being a kid was so much simpler and I miss hearing the pages turn in the hands of my kindy teacher or the librarian. I didn't particularly enjoy those reading sessions cause they read too slowly with too many pauses for effect :P But you know, it was fun now that I think abot it. Nice mellow sessions :) And if someone told you to draw something, you would do it and not worry about every little detail beign perfet. It looked fine to you so that MUST be right, right? Such self confidence kids have, it's a good break from the stress of teenagerness. LOL im kidding. it isn't that bad. But you get what I mean right? The simplicity of being a child. I miss it. Don't you ?

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5:58 PM ; smile'


I can admit, I have done a lot of things wrong lately and I know there are moments when I could have done things better, prioritesed better etc. But you know, you can't exactly say you haven't either. The blame can't be pinned on one person. Honey, this is a two-way street. You can say it as many times as you want, keep defending yourself and saying its all me, me, me and I won't even retailiate. You know why? Cause it's true. Every little thing you say, I can admit. I know I went wrong and I can admit that. But when I said I needed you to be patient with me for a bit, I meant it. There was a reason for all that. I knew it would annoy you but I also expected you to understand. Hell, I thought you would be the one helping me. The thing that sucks is that you tend to jump to conclusions about my motives and whatever but have you actually ever given me a chance to explain?
I've tried telling you directly but you didn't listen or you refused to stop being angry. And I hate how no matter what either of us says, no matter who's actually to blame, in the end, it's always going to be my fault. But hey, I'm just a last resort right? You only came to me when no one else would listen. It didn't bother me because it meant you trusted me and I liked that I could make you feel better. But maybe I just wanted to be on YOUR priority list just as much as you wanted in on mine. What you didn't realise was that you were already there. The only reason I never addressed that number one spot was because it was surrounded by things I didn't want to be a part of.
So you know what? I'm over it. The idea of what could happen bothers me, it's true. But if that's the way you want it, there's nothing I can do. And if the inevitable happens, I'll face it when it comes but I'm going to try and stop it if I can. If you'll let me. But if worse comes to worse and I see that there's no hope in trying, I'm walking away and I'm not looking back because I'm sick of always being second best.

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11:20 AM ; smile'


My phone annoys the hell out of me. It has such a low memory capacity. Seriously, it gets full after like 50 messages. So if I get a text while my inbox is full, I have to delete messages before I can get it. And after I delete messages, the text doesn't get to me until like an hour or so later. It's so annoying ! Leaevs room for such catastophes as this. hehe Catastrophe. I remember when I was in kindy and we read a book called "What a Catastrophe!" It was about a frog who messed up the dinner table or something. Not quite sure. It was a long time ago and all I remember clearly about taht book was that it was red and we were all so amazed that the title had such big words. yeah 'what'. That's a pretty big word ;D So yes, that is the story of how I learnt the meaning of Catastrophe. 8-)

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11:05 AM ; smile'

Friday, May 7, 2010

Today was pretty good. I mean, minus the fact that it was Mr Kearney's last day. But I have pretty much finished my painting for art and while I was washing the brush, the only i could get the blue out was if i painted it on my hand. Which was fine, until I realised that it wouldn't come off my hand as easily as it usually does O_O And we had assembly so I couldn't take too much time. And so I went to assembly with my avatar-looking hands. Wasn't that an interesting story? 8-) But I love the art major class. It's so laidback and happy :D And Miss Ross is hilarious. She's so different when it's an elective class for some reason :P
Moving on... The Silver story shall be the death of me. I hate it. It sucks and I haye getting a motif to work with. my mind doesn't work like that ! Oh whatever I sent it in I DONT CARE ANYMORE D:
Commerce non-party was fun. Yes. Non party. Mr Kearney had icecream cake :9 I honestly think icecream cake is one of the smartest foods invented. It's so yummy ^^ I'm going to miss Mr Kearney. He was a pretty good teacher and his stories were interesting. BY THE WAY, is he like.. with one of the other teachers? O_o cause like, I heard some year 11 guy say "oh sir, you leave just when your girlfriend comes back" and Mr Kearney was like "yeah, well that's the ying and yang of it. I leave, she comes back." He might have been kidding. Probably was O_o Actually, I don't know what to make of that. Eh Whatever, teachers gossip doesn't concern me.
This week went incredibly fast. Next week is half yearlies D: I should study. I really should :s Rather than blog about it, I think I really should go study. OFF I GO !

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6:37 PM ; smile'

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


If you feel like you're changing, there are

two things you can do. You can either go

back, see where you went wrong, try to

find the person you used to be and

possibly lose yourself completely in the

process. Or you could realise that things

have changed, accept the person you

have become, know that there could be

no going back and make the most of what

you have made yourself become.

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8:20 PM ; smile'


I am currently watching masterchef and they're catering for a little kids party right? Naturally, they're going around interviewing the guests and I SWEAR some of the things these kids are saying aren't things kids usually say. Let's list them yes? :D
  1. "We got to meet Matt Preston and it was really cool" As if 7 year olds have any idea the importance of Matt Preston. Sure they could know the name but is it likely that they know how famous he is and what it really means to meet such a well-respected food critic? Not sure about that....
  2. Matt Preston: What do you want to see on those tables? Phoebe: A touch of curry and maybe a touch of Lebanese. that is one smart kid :P she's what.. 6? 7? and using words like "a touch of" SINCE WHEN WERE 7YROLDS SO SMART? ><>

Ok.. there werent that many. Ah well. I love masterchef. It's good :D But it always makes me hungry :/

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7:58 PM ; smile'

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Why must we hide certain aspects of our llives from society? Ok, fair enough, some things SHOULD remain a secret. But trivial things like what went on somewhere sometime, why bother? Keeping it a secret makes it ten times worse. So you make a mistake, hell it was one big mistake, but hiding it puts it in a more negative light. Like "Oh damn, she's trying to hide it, must be bad..." But if you just said it out loud, "hey i got smashed on the weekend" What are people going to say? "Hey you're an idiot"? yeah... and ?You admitted. What else can they do? Threaten to tell other people? #1 they probably wouldn't be so immature. #2 you already publicised it.
I think it's human nature to constantly fear judgement. Keeping the fact that you drank waaaay too much ont he weekend is probaly something we wouldn't want publicised, i admit that was a bad example. But things like how we feel about someone? Both negative and positive feelings. Easier said than done, I agree. But there is a particular person in our grade who made me think about this... I mean usually the scenario is like:
person A: omgsh do you like ____?
person B: NO! :$
person A: OMGSH YOU DO [giggle giggle]
But if you actually said it, they have nothing on you ! No secrets to hold against you or anything. People could be saved a lot of embarassment and awkwardness if they just admitted it. The situation could go down very differently:
person A: Do you like ______?
person B: yeah
person A: oh...
They can't say anything. Rather than deny it and have people tease you because you seem ashamed of the fact that you have feelings that make you pretty damn human, just say it and see what happens. You never know, you could end up happier than you imagined.

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5:03 PM ; smile'

Monday, May 3, 2010

No one would ever have guessed what was going on in her mind. She played the part well. Perfectly in fact. She smiled when the camera came around, laughed at the approprite times and responded in the same light manner that was expected. The way she used to.
Her loud personality unmathced by any of her cousins or friends nnow gatehred at the dinner table. It all came so easily to her. And yet, no one seemed to realise how forced her actions were. Was it the fact that she got so used to playing the part? Or that they didn't want to notice, preferring the girl they always thought they knew. It didn't matter. Either way, she would still smile for the cameras, laugh at the jokes and act the way she was meant to. But that was when people were watching. When the cameras left, the joke was told and the moment passed, she receded back into the shadows. Her smile was still held in place but it was hollow. She had no feelings. Except this constant loneliness she couldn't even explain. All she knew was that it was there and she couldn't get rid of it no matter how much she tried. She kept up the facade well.
The night was over. Not once did any of her companions notice her fall into the shadows. Watch her, quite literally, move away from the light that fuelled her personality. No one realised that everytime she wasn't talking, she was thinking about who she was. Cause honestly, that was the question that had been bothering her for a while now. Who the hell was she and what happened to her past personality? Every single personality trait that once defined her was no longer true. She wasn't intelligent, social, kind hearted or even. . . happy. what changed?
She covered this new revelation up. Quite well. Very few, maybe even none had seen her without her mask. She wouldn't let anyone see that side of her. The insecure little girl trying to fit the perception people had of her. and for what? To be who she was meant to be of course. But whylet society dictate what she should be? Her motives didn't even matter. Whatever happened, she had to act as if nothing changed. She was still loud. For public reasons. She managed to fill every silence. Sometimes overdoing it. She never let an awkward moment pass without saying something and yet sometimes the silence was never meant to be awkward. Some called her over confident, others stubborn. But maybe, just maybe, she was a little fragile.

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4:44 PM ; smile'

The Light Is Where?;

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