She woke up. Rather suddenly, with tears streaming down her face. There was a reason for her abrupt wake. Something she was dreaming about. She couldn't remember it. Bright lights, A sudden warmth and loud noises. The images were slipping out of her mind the more she tried to hold on but she could figure out what they depicted. She rolled over and looked at her bedside clock. 10:28. She should get up. She couldn't just lay in bed all day and wallow in self pity. The date struck her though. It was that date. It brought back too many painful memories.
A stream of sound and pictures filled her mind. A rushed hug as he got on the train, endless laughter as she tripped over, a passionate kiss on the stairs to her apartment and a quick kiss on his cheek as she turned away crying. It all came crashing down on her. The reality of the loss. What she let go of. What she caused. He was gone from her life now and there was no way of getting him back. She had no one to blame but herself. She pushed him away. Her persistence, the way she would constantly irritate him, her impatience and her annoyingly secretive nature. It was all her. There was no denying that fact. And she couldn't help but think what if?
She got out of bed and looked around, not quite sure what she was going to do with her day. It was funny. It had been almost a month, many would expect her to be over it and yet, she couldn't even bring herself to bring down memories of him. She didn't know where he was. She wanted to send a postcard. Or a letter. But she doubted that a letter would be enough to tell him everything she wanted to say. It would be more of a novel. She laughed at her own pathetic humour.
She couldn't do it. It's not like he would ever get it anyway. So what was the use? She scrunched it up and threw it aside. She grabbed a coat and walked outside. It was chilly but she liked it that way and it looked like it was going to rain. Good. Let them pour, it would blend in with her tears anyway. She made her way to the spot she had revisited countless times since... that day.
It was a rather beautiful field, despite the fact that it held so much loneliness. She heard a car skid on a turn. Be careful, she wanted to say, it's wet and you might crash. Like we did. She had been dreaming about that night ever since it happened. It was their anniversary but her, being the ungrateful delinquent she is, pushed him over the edge. It was raining and as he turned to yell at her, he didn't see the approaching traffic. Bright lights, the sudden warmth of his arms around her and loud noises with no differentiation. She remained conscious during the whole thing. Hysterical but she had felt the warmth of his body on hers. She had heard him breathing. Heavily and painfully.
And now, she was left with regret. The fact that she never said the things she should have. Didn't treat him as well as she knew he deserved. Became everything she hated in all the other girls he ever dated and never, not once, told him she loved him and really, honestly meant and felt it. She never got to thank him for being everything she wanted, for being so sweet, dorky and chivalrous. She never said why she loved him. She didn't show him either. And, despite the fact that they had fought minutes before the crash, the last thing he did was hold her.
The tears began to fall faster now. She cursed herself for not being able to show him just how much he meant to her. She sat down on the wet grass, her fingers brushing against the cold, smooth stone. She wept freely as she looked down at the name imprinted on the headstone:
May 18th 1986 - June 4th 2010
"If angels and demons were to walk this earth,
I'd still hold you close to me,
I'd die in your arms and cherish each breath
and let my love show you everything"