Dear le mama and le papa,
Ok, I'll admit, I've been putting this letter off for a while cause I'm not quite sure how to approach it. But I guess I should start by saying that I know I haven't been the best daughter and that there are things I could/should have done better. I know that you guys did a good job raising me and my sisters and that we turned out pretty good. At one (pretty recent) point in my life, I disobeyed you big time and since then I've been on this downhill path getting more and more rebellious. But I hope you never find out abotu that cause i'm a coward and I hate how wrong I went. So yes, I took a walk on the wild side, but I'm back now. Not entirely. But I'm beginning to cross the line back into the person that i used to be. At least I'm trying to.
I know that I can be such a smartass sometimes and that it annoys the heck out of both of you and it doesn't really end up benefitting either of us. You guys have done so much for me, making so many sacrifices and trusting my decisions and letting me make my own choices (sometimes...) cause you want me to learn from my mistakes if I go wrong. Like when you sent me to All Saints in year 4 but I hated it so you sent me back to St Francis after a week. A lot of family friends were questioning your authority, thinking that I was the bossiest daughter out, but you stood up for me and I guess I never thanked you properly for that. SO thankyou. I did well in the end right? I mean, moving back was better than staying right??? D: I kinda miss that blind trust the whole "I have faith in you and what you're doing" and I don't get how you could trust a ten year old that much but now, you think I am no longer capable of doing things for myself.
Mum: I guess one of the main reasons I talk back and making smart ass remarks is cause I feel like your trust is wavering and it annoys me that you think I'm jigging every time we have mufti day or that I want work experience in a place that my 'loverboy' lives and that's the only reason I want to go. And I hate that you don't acknowledge my achievements anymore. I mean, when I get a good mark for a test you're response is either "oh tahts nice..." or "But you failed maths".
A lot of people think that me and you are pretty close. We are. At least we used to be. Sure we're close now but I know for sure we've drifted. These days, it's mostly you and Kathleen togetehr somewhere in the hosue with me in my room on the computer. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It was proabbly my fault but everytime I try to fix things and join you guys, it's out of the ordinairy and it feels unnatural.
But oyu know, you're pretty lenient and I'm grateful for that because it means I can go to practially every party and outing if I have a way of getting there. You always say "it's ok. I want you to have a life. Have fun and don't leave until the music ends" Wow. Writing that up makes me feel like an ungrateful cow. Which I probably am. But seriously, thanks for giving me the opportunity to be happy and sacrificing your sleep to pick me up from a party at canley vale. I raelly do appreciate it, even though I don't show it. I guess that's cause I don't know how to show it.
Thankyou for not pressuring me academically. that's really contradictory to what I said earlier but I mean subject selection-wise, you say "Do what you want". I love that you're letting me do this but I wish you had more interest in my decisions. Cause I really needed guidance. Thankyou for believing in me, saying things like "Why would I send you tutoring? So that you have no life and end up eing all about school? Why would I do that? That's so boring. And anyway, I know you'll be fine without it, I mean look how far you've gone now". So yeah, contradictory though it may be sometimes, thanks for having that much faith in me. :)
Dad: I don't talk back to you and I would be crazy to. I hate that we don't really have a solid relationship anymore and a lot of the times you take me places, it's silent. Once again, that's probably my fault cause I know that you know how it feels to emotionally lose a daughter. I think you have been able to accept the fact taht I'm growing up more than mum has because she seems to want to hold on to this baby-like image of me for as long as she can, me being the youngest and all, I guess it must hurt for you to see all three of your daughters growing up and possibly growing away. But I hope you know that I'm grateful for everytime you've driven me to and from school or to a party or to the station.
I love how you always offer gentle guidance when I didn't do that well in a test rather than blame it ont he computer. Especially maths. You always say "hey, if you don't get something, just let me know and I'll help you." Thankyou for having so much interest in my guitaring. I think you've been waiting for a while to see one of your daughter pick up the hobby you once loved. You encourage us a lot, giving us helpful criticism when you watch us play and standing back to admire how far we've come. You buy us new strings and picks... even though I keep losing them. (yes. ALL of them.)
you know, both of you have really childlike moments where we can laugh and joke around like crazy. I like those times. It makes me feel so close to you again. So I guess I wanted to say sorry for not beinga s affectionate with you guys as I used to be and not saying "I love you" as much as I should. Thankyou for accepting me back everytime I went wrong and looking at me with that proud smile every time I talk about my future and what I want to do with my life rather than pressuring me into a career you want me to do. I've learnt that you guys just want the best for me and I know I should have known that my entire life but, like most other teenagers, I felt misunderstood. Thankyou for the neverending patience and giving me a consistent amount of money so i can go out when i want. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to show you this letter. Until then, I'm going to slowly inch my way back into the relationship I once had with you guys and hope for the best.
Love lots, your daughter.
P.s You're not going to lose me to some guy anytime soon so relax :P
Labels: 30 day letter challenge, Letters To You